ANDI, IS TOMATO RED A COLOUR?

"Oh my God, mom! Stop!" I've always insisted my mother's sole purpose on this planet is to embarrass me and tonight is no exception – she's really on a roll. Dad is driving and hasn't said a word since we left the restaurant while mom, in the front passenger seat, continues to natter about the beautiful wedding she is going to throw for Brian and me someday. My amazing boyfriend and the love of my life, Brian Conrad is sitting next to me in the backseat, also wishing my mom would stop talking.

She's really enjoying herself.

"It will be a large wedding, Brian – we have so many friends who will want to come see our little girl get married! With your family being so big too, we're going to need a large hall," she begins to mutter, already concerned about the reception for our non—existent wedding. Brian and I have been together since we met in highschool nearly five years ago and after that, there was no one else for either of us. Mom hasn't been this bad throughout our entire relationship but ever since I graduated university a few months ago, she hasn't stopped. In her mind, me getting married is the next step whereas in my mind, putting my new English degree to work is the next step.

To say she doesn't understand my career choice would be an understatement.

It began as a fun blog but evolved into a short story that eventually got published by a small, local house here in the city. It did quite well, especially considering I'm a new 'author' and I am now in talks with that same publisher for my latest story. Writing brings me to my place of 'bliss' like nothing else can and the possibility of doing it for a living is beyond my wildest dreams – my mother's too, apparently.

Heavy sarcasm on the last bit.

Both of my parents love Brian and are constantly bragging about him to anyone who will listen – you'd think he was their child, not me. But I get it, I do – I understand the special part of Brian that is such a huge draw for mom and dad… Timothy. My twin brother was a kind soul, funny – the best person you could ever hope to have in your life. We were fraternal twins but looked remarkably alike beyond the obvious differences but Timmy was the popular one of the two of us, he was the twin everyone liked.

My attitude and mouth tended to make me more enemies than friends.

Brian and Timmy were bestfriends – Brian joined our highschool and became my soul mate and my brother's 'mister from another sister' all in one move. If he wasn't with me, Brian was with Timmy or we were all together since Timmy and I actually got along and enjoyed hanging out. Because of his relationships with both of us, Brian has pretty much lived at our house these past five years so is almost as much a part of our family as any of us are.

He was hanging out the night the RCMP came to our door. As soon as mom saw them, she started to get hysterical and I wasn't far behind – we knew what it meant. Dad was trying to listen to the officers but I'm sure not truly hearing anything so it was Brian who received the worst news our family has ever heard, on our behalf… my twin brother, my baby brother by two minutes – was dead.

They were truly sorry for our loss.

Timmy had only been a forest firefighter for 18 months when he died, we were not quite 22. The authorities believe the fire circled around and his inexperience allowed him to become trapped. As those who knew him best, we know his arrogance also likely played a part. Not to sound harsh or mean but Timmy was new – a rookie, so he had a buddy and he chose to leave his partner's side. If Timmy had done what he was supposed to, stayed where he was supposed to… maybe none of this would have happened.

Maybe we wouldn't have buried my twin brother three weeks before our twenty—second birthday.

But he didn't and so we did… on a smoke—filled, overcast day we laid the ashes that were once my beautiful brother to rest. Brian has been amazing, listening to me vent angrily over and over again about Timmy and how he left us the way he did. I'm so angry! In terms of the stages of grief – I don't see myself entering the bargaining stage anytime soon… I'm still pissed off.

It hurts less to be mad then it does to feel sorrow.

Brian is also a forest firefighter and the only reason he wasn't away with Timmy that trip was because he'd recently had his appendix out, so was on medical leave. When the fire is big enough, it doesn't matter what province, territory or state it is in – firefighters will heed the call for help and that fire was no exception. 2015, the year we lost Timmy – was the worst year for fires in US history. Firefighters from around the world responded, including responders from Canada – my brother included. As the family of a firefighter, we understand the risks they take every single day they go to work and we accept it to the best of our abilities – we have to so we can support our loved ones. Dad was also a forest firefighter but after a close call several years ago, switched to teaching instead.

We were good… until we weren't.

ANDI, THIS IS NOT HOW YOU END AN ARGUMENT

"Dad, I'm begging you – make her stop!" I plead pathetically, knowing full—well that there is little to nothing dad is going to be able to do. I love my father but he is definitely not the one wearing the pants in their relationship. Brian squeezes my hand tighter and I'm grateful he's holding it – it will stop me from flinging myself from the moving car to save myself further embarrassment. Moooooommmmm!

"Mom – Mom! Mom!" I try to interrupt her with the intention of saying that Brian and I aren't even engaged yet when Brian rolls his eyes at me. He smirks and jerks his head toward my mom and it is precisely what I need in that moment. My laugh is loud and heartfelt, with Brian joining in almost immediately. Mom doesn't miss a beat and just keeps going like we're not even here while dad focuses even 'harder' on his driving.

Relaxing, I lean against the seat, finally ready and able to let my angst towards my mom go – at least for tonight. She'll be driving me crazy within ten minutes of us being in the same room together again in the morning, but that is just our relationship and I love her for it. Brian leans back as well so I undo my seatbelt so I can slide closer to him. He wraps his arms around me and I snuggle into his embrace whi———

"Shit!" Dad's shout and unusual curse word breaks me out of my slumber and mom is no longer talking but instead screams as our car leaves the road back end first. I don't know what startled my dad, likely an animal on the road but whatever it was caused him to swerve and now we're out of control. I seem to have lost my voice and despite wanting to scream – can't. Brian's grip on me tightens as does mine on him and I suddenly remember I'm not wearing a seatbelt.

That was such a stupid thing to do.

The incline is steep and we're moving fast, being knocked around inside the car as the vehicle itself bounces off rocks and trees in its race to the bottom. Everything is happening so quickly yet none of it seems real – like I'm playing a virtual reality game and not truly experiencing the scariest moment of my life. The car starts to slide sideways and as branches and rocks are forced against the side, the passenger door windows both shatter, allowing everything to fly in at us.

I've found my voice and am screaming as loud as my mom and on some level, I hear Brian telling me he loves me. I hear him but I realize I no longer feel him – we're not holding each other anymore. Gravity is pinning me to the door so every piece of awful that flies through the open window is hitting me directly. I don't have the strength to push myself away and without the seatbelt to help, I have only my own strength to rely on – which is fading fast. My vision is blurred and I'm sure my nose is broken – yet we're still not done.

The car gets hung up on something but our momentum is too much to keep us stopped for long — we start rolling. Phones, purses, money and other bits of garbage fly through the car like tiny projectiles as we keep going over and over again – top is up, top is down… top is up, top is down. Dad, mom and Brian stay in their seats since they're belted in but I bounce from roof to floor, door to door violently. Gravity and grace do not co—exist and I hit, kick and slam into my loved ones repeatedly – likely hurting them as much as the damn wreck is.

Top is up, top is down, over and over again.

British Columbia has mountain cliffs everywhere but nothing steep or deep in our area so I don't understand why this is taking so long? It feels like we're falling forever, into a valley that doesn't seem to end. How is it possi—

Nothingness.